I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
