Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
