I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
