6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
