my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize