I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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