I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Panties = found
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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