Apparently you make a good broom.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
