oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
