he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
