three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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