so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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