Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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