I just threw up on my dentist
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
