i was born a porn star she said
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
