Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
