I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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