If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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