i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
