got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
