let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
