I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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