Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
