If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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