whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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