AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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