i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize