Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
honey bunches of taint.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
