She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
