Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
