her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize