Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
