If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
