my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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