I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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