I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
