My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize