I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
