just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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