Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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