i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
