WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
