okay pat passed out under dana's car
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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