Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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