I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
