so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
