Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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