I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
