I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
