i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
