I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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