I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
