as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
