I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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