ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
