This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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