She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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