I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
