But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
